Heal Me (Magnolia Series Book 2) Read online

  Table of Contents

  PROLOGUE

  For me, myself, and I.

  A Heart to Hold You

  Your Love

  Straight into Your Arms

  Everybody Knows She’s Mine

  Tear in My Heart

  Ain’t Nobody

  The Conversation

  Sweetest Devotion

  Tourniquet

  Ghosts That We Knew

  The One

  Thank You

  More by Alexandra Page

  PROOF FOR REVIEW

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  YOURS,

  PRONOUN¶

  HEAL ME

  Alexandra Page

  ¶

  PRONOUN

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  Copyright © 2017 by Alexandra Page

  Cover design by Jada D’Lee Designs

  Interior design by Pronoun

  Edited by Laura Hull

  Distribution by Pronoun

  ISBN: 9781537839226

  TABLE OF CONTENTS

  For me, myself, and I.

  Prologue

  A Heart to Hold You

  Your Love

  Straight into Your Arms

  Everybody Knows She’s Mine

  Tear in My Heart

  Ain’t Nobody

  The Conversation

  Sweetest Devotion

  Tourniquet

  Ghosts That We Knew

  The One

  Thank You

  More by Alexandra Page

  FOR ME, MYSELF, AND I.

  ~

  PROLOGUE

  ~

  I’LL NEVER FORGET THE FEELING I had when the State Patrol called to tell me Mom and Dad were dead. The air was ripped from my lungs as if I’d landed flat on my back from fifty feet in the air. My chest felt as if a boulder was crushing it while my stomach tried to turn itself inside out.

  Then I had to tell Leia. That was a new horror all on its own. Everything we knew about how life should be was suddenly gone, leaving us adrift with no hope of finding a familiar shore ever again.

  But that’s how life is, isn’t it?

  It’s perfect and then it’s not.

  You’re happy as a pig in mud, not a care in the world, then someone speaks just a few words. The words are innocent if spoken in a different context or arranged in other ways. But no, they’re lined up just so, like an arrow. And that arrow is sharp enough to pierce the strongest of hearts, then it splinters into dozens of tiny arrows, each perfectly aimed to do the most damage.

  Next the bottom falls out from underneath you, and you find that the sun doesn’t shine as bright. All the colors around you fade, things that were once funny seem pointless and pathetic, and the smile of a friend no longer brings comfort.

  You go numb. Numb is safe.

  A HEART TO HOLD YOU

  ~

  Nik

  Silence is a virtue.

  Ignorance is bliss.

  I’ve heard those phases all my life, but I never appreciated them until this moment, sitting here, rooted to this bed. I’d give anything to have heeded at least the first one.

  I blink, the room around me coming into focus again. It’s then I realize she’s no longer standing in front of me. The bathroom door clicks closed, the latch slipping into place and echoing through the quiet house, hiding her behind a hundred-year-old wood door, covered in endless layers of paint. I stare at it, time seeming to shift as all the pieces come together, made so clear with her four small words.

  The nightmares. Her stretch marks. How odd she acted around Carlie. All the times her words trailed off as she stared at things I couldn’t see.

  Why didn’t she tell me? She never said a word. I wouldn’t have judged her. I don’t understand. Why? Why keep him a secret? What did she think I would say or do? Did she tell Cash, the rest of them? Is it only me she left in the dark? No. No, they would’ve told me. Leia for sure, Cash too.

  You’re being an asshole. Stop making this about you. It’s not about you.

  The shower’s running now.

  It was just too hard for her. Too painful. You saw her reaction. That wasn’t fear of being found out, that was pain too great to bear.

  I hate myself for it, but I had wondered more than once how she could still be carrying so much grief after so long. Why she hadn’t begun to let go and move on. Why she felt dying was a better choice than living. How, if she had loved a man so deeply to grieve him to the point of suicide, she could ever give her heart to another.

  Now it makes perfect sense.

  We don’t like it, try not to think about it, but we all know our peers and elders will someday leave us. It’s part of life – painful as hell, but expected all the same. But kids, babies. They aren’t supposed to die.

  Carlie’s smiling face flashes through my mind and my heart revolts at the thought of losing her. My mind doesn’t even want to imagine what it would be like to see her lifeless body cradled in the stark satin of a casket, then lowered into the ground, knowing I’d never hear her sweet giggles again, or feel her little arms hugging me tight.

  I don’t know if I would survive it. I know Cash wouldn’t. He’d either end it with a bullet or drink himself to death. She’s his world. Nothing matters more to him than her.

  It’s no wonder Ellie’s still held so tightly by grief. Losing Lucas had to be worse than losing all her other loved ones put together.

  God, why did I open my fucking mouth?

  I make it to the bathroom door and turn the knob, but it doesn’t budge.

  My heart seizes, trapped in a vice of panic. “Ellie.” I shove against it, shaking the knob, knowing good and well it won’t open. “Ellie, please, baby. Open the door. I’m sorry. Let me help you, please?”

  Nothing but running water answers me.

  Every sharp object in that bathroom shines clear and bright, cutting through my mind with the horror of what she could do with them. Could’ve already done while I sat and stared at the door.

  My fist beating against it drowns out everything else. “Ellie, please!”

  Nothing. Absolutely nothing.

  I hobble back to the bedroom, jerking open the nightstand drawer, grabbing my wallet and ripping out a credit card. It takes several gut-wrenching minutes to jimmy the lock, thanks to my shaking hands, but it finally pops open.

  I don’t breathe again until I find her curled up on the shower floor, crying, but alive.

  There’s no dark red streams of blood washing down the drain beside her, or an empty bottle left abandoned on the tiles, but the freezing mist from the water registers seconds later, along with her blue lips, trembling body, and chill bump covered skin.

  Seeing her like that is a noose around my neck.

  “God, Ellie.”

  Carefully, I work my way around her to the shower con
trols and get some hot water going, then I lower myself to the floor beside her, ignoring the pain running through my body. I reach out to touch her, but my hand only hovers. It feels as if she may shatter, or disappear if I risk it. I’ve never been more terrified, not even when I was staring down the barrel of a gun. I push it aside; my fears don’t matter.

  Her skin is still prickled and cold against mine. I have to get her warm.

  I prepare myself for more pain – picking her up is not something my body is capable of right now – but the second my hand slides under her arm to pull her up she scrambles into my lap, clinging to me as if I’m a life raft.

  “I’ve got you, El. I’ve got you.”

  She lets out one choked sob, then it’s nothing but hitched breaths and sniffling. We stay there until the water runs cold again. She never says a word. I never let her go.

  As soon as I felt the water cooling, my mind spun with how I was going to get her up, dried off, and dressed in my condition, but she stood on her own, then reached a hand out to help me up.

  My chest constricted painfully, and I had to bite my lip hard enough to draw blood to keep my tears from falling when I saw the blankness in her eyes.

  Even shattered and torn apart by her own pain she was putting me first.

  In complete silence, our eyes never meeting, we dried off then dressed for bed. She made sure my arm was rewrapped and my pins were dry before tucking me in. I held my breath, waiting for her to leave the room, certain she wouldn’t want to be anywhere near me, but then she climbed into bed beside me. My relief was short lived though, when she turned away to face the windows, curling into a tight ball. I probably shouldn’t have, but I wrapped myself around her and placed a kiss to the smooth patch of skin behind her ear. “I love you, El,” I whispered, because my voice was too weak to be stronger, and prayed with all that I was she believed it.

  When she laced her fingers with mine and tucked our hands against her chest, I pulled my bottom lip into my mouth, the sharp metallic taste of my blood still fresh across my tongue, and waited until her breathing became deep and even before praying tomorrow would be better and allowing myself the peace of sleep.

  ~

  My prayers weren’t answered.

  She’s awake, has been for hours, but she hasn’t moved or said a word. She hasn’t even looked at me. She’s not looking at anything. The dead, vacant stare is still heavy in her eyes.

  I’ve tried talking to her, rubbing her arm, her hands, brushing her hair away from her face, offering her food, water. Nothing phases her. She’s just…gone.

  I’ve been sitting in the rocking chair, watching for any signs of life from her for God knows how long. Lunch has long since passed and it only takes a glance out the window to see the sun is well on its way to the horizon. Every muscle and joint I have aches. My eyes burn, they’re so dry and exhausted from the strain of watching her.

  I can’t do this anymore. I’ve gotta have help.

  Limping from the bedroom to the living room, I find her purse and dig out her phone. Thankfully there’s no screen lock and still some battery life. It doesn’t take long to find the number I need.

  Please God, let her answer.

  “Ellie. How are you, dear?”

  “Um, no, Doctor Stephens, this is Nik Jensen. I was in the robbery with Ellie.”

  “Oh, yes, Nik. Hello. Ellie has told me all about you. All of it good too. Please call me Vicky,” she greets me brightly.

  “She speaks highly of you too.”

  “Nik, is everything all right? I can tell by the tone of your voice something’s wrong. Is Ellie okay?”

  “No, she’s not okay,” I say softly, going out to the front porch and closing the door behind me. I don’t want to risk her hearing me and remembering it later. As soon as I sit down, my nerves get the best of me. “I need to know what to do. I don’t know how to help her,” I rush out, my voice cracking.

  “What’s happened?”

  “Things were going good. Really good. I told her I loved her. She said she loved me too. We were doing great. She was the happiest I’ve ever seen her.”

  “What changed?”

  “She’d been having nightmares and calling out for someone named Lucas. I didn’t know. She never said a word. I thought maybe he was a friend or an old boyfriend. I didn’t know not to ask.”

  “All right. It’s okay. We’ll get her through this. Has she shut down, or broke down?” she asks calmly.

  “Both. It was like she died inside as soon as I said his name. I was in shock after she told me who he was. She locked herself in the bathroom. I had to break in. She was in the shower on the floor. Frozen. Completely falling apart. She calmed down once I got her warm. I don’t know how long we sat there, but then she just disappeared. She’s been like a ghost ever since. She hasn’t spoken or even looked at me in almost twenty-four hours.”

  “Nik, I know you’re scared—”

  “I’m a little more than scared.”

  “I promise she’s going to be okay.”

  “How do you know that?” I snap at her. “You’re not here, you haven’t seen her.”

  “I’ve seen her this way before though. She will come out of it, she just needs time.”

  She is way too calm about this to suit me and it’s really starting to piss me off. “How much time? The last time she was only gone a few minutes. Not a whole fucking day.”

  “Nik, I want you to take some deep breaths for me, all right. Ellie needs you to be calm. You have to be strong for her.”

  Knowing she’s right, I lean my head back against the side of the house and close my eyes, breathing slow and deep through my nose four or five times. “I’m trying,” I exhale, my voice still quivering with my turbulent emotions.

  “I know you are. You’re doing good. You did the right thing calling me.”

  “What do I do? Tell me how to help her.”

  “You just watch and wait.”

  Whatever control I had grasped onto vanishes. “Watch and wait? That’s all you’ve got? You can’t be serious?”

  “I’m sorry, but that’s really all you can do. She’ll come out of it when she can handle things again. That could be in an hour, or it could be days from now.”

  “Days?” I yell.

  “I doubt it will be that long, she’s come so far since meeting you, but it’s possible. Emotional trauma is not easily healed.”

  Fuck, she was doing so good. Why did I have to fuck it up?

  I’m terrified of the answer, but I have to know. “What happened to him? Why has she kept him a secret? I don’t understand.”

  “I won’t give you details, because I think Ellie needs to tell you, for her own sake, but he was with Josh that day.”

  Some of my fear loosens its grip hearing that. I had imagined all sorts of horrible things, not that dying in a wreck isn’t horrible, but for her to keep him a secret, and to have such crushing guilt… Well, I really don’t want to think about it anymore.

  “Why does she blame herself for all of them? I don’t get it.”

  “I don’t believe she blamed herself for her family dying before she lost Josh and Lucas. The guilt came after them.”

  “But, why? It sounded like an accident. She wasn’t there, right?”

  “Again, Ellie needs to tell you, but no, she wasn’t there. It wasn’t her fault.” She clears her throat. “Nik, please don’t take offense, but I need to know if you’re committed to seeing her through this.”

  The phone creaks and pops in protest at my punishing grip. I pull it away from my face and stare at it, wishing it was her I was giving a death glare to instead of plastic and metal. Taking a steadying breath, I slowly bring it back to my ear.

  “Committed? You’re asking me that when you let her come down here to kill herself?” I ask, rather proud of myself for sounding so calm. I’d probably kill her if she was here.

  “I deserve that.”

  “Damn right, you do.”

  S
he’s quiet for several long seconds, then I hear a sniffle. If she’s crying, I don’t feel an ounce of guilt for it. “I know it might be hard for you to believe, but I love her dearly.”

  “Yeah, well, apparently your idea of love is quite different from mine. And you may not believe this, but I’m in this with her for the long haul. I’d rather get shot again than watch her go through this, but I’ll be damned if I leave her to suffer by herself. My commitment is not something you need to worry about.”

  ~

  Thursday comes and she’s still gone. I pretend we’ve just had a fight and she’s refusing to give me the time of day until I apologize. It helps me cope with the deafening silence.

  Vicky told me to get her up, that if I got her on her feet she might start coming out of it. It worked a little. She still hasn’t spoken to or looked at me, but she’s gone to the bathroom a few times and wandered around the house a bit, mostly going from the bedroom to the living room and back. I even got some food and water in her. It wasn’t much but enough I’m no longer worried about her becoming dehydrated or starving.

  I’ve had my hands full in other ways too. Cash called first thing this morning and wanted to stop by for lunch. I’m not the best liar, and even if I were a master at it, he’d see right through me, which he did. I wanted to tell him – needed to – but it’s not my secret to tell. That and I wasn’t going to risk him judging her. I don’t think he would, but she can’t protect herself right now, so I will.

  I managed to put him off. Told him we needed time by ourselves to figure this thing out between us. I tried to laugh when he picked at me, saying he knew exactly how we would figure it out.

  It’s hard to laugh when you’re pissed as hell.

  Then the cops showed up at our door. They were even harder to get rid of. I knew it was important for us to talk to them, but today was not the day. They weren’t happy with me. I made out like my migraine was worse than it was, told them Ellie had a stomach virus, and begged for them to come back next week. They stared me down hard, but begrudgingly agreed. Thank God.