Heal Me (Magnolia Series Book 2) Page 15

  She pulls out of my arms and puts her fingers over my lips. “Shush.”

  “Sorry,” I mumble, because it’s all I can do.

  She shakes her head a little, leaning over and kissing me. “I’m not upset with you. I’m glad you brought it up.” She looks down and starts playing with her dress. “There’s things I probably need to tell you.”

  My heart drops into my gut and I have to swallow hard so it doesn’t come rushing up my throat. But I asked for this, now I have to deal with it.

  It’s okay if she loved him more. I can handle it. I can.

  Maybe if I tell myself that enough, I’ll eventually believe it.

  But I’m glad she’s looking down still cause I don’t think I can look her in the eye right now.

  I try not to ever think about them or wonder how often she compares me to him. It shouldn’t matter. I shouldn’t try to compete with a ghost. I shouldn’t want to be better than him. I can’t seem to help it though. That probably makes me a huge asshole. Like the world’s biggest, actually.

  That’s a trophy I sure as hell don’t want.

  She clears her throat and takes a shaky breath. I do my best to keep my body relaxed and not let her figure out how nervous I am.

  “The reason I’ve been out of sorts this week isn’t all because of my hormones.”

  Okay? Now I’m really fucking nervous.

  She seems to be waiting on me to respond so I nod, because I can’t speak.

  Her eyes dart away. They’re filling with tears. “They…died…two years ago Thursday.”

  Jesus Christ. No fucking wonder she’s been so out of sorts.

  “God, Bird,” I pull her into my arms, stroking her hair. “Why didn’t you tell me? I’m so sorry, angel. I’m so, so sorry.”

  She clings to me and cries, but it’s not the sobbing I expected. Just quiet sniffles and shaky breaths. She stays still for only a minute or two then sits up. I grab a few more napkins and hand them to her. She starts dabbing at her eyes.

  “I don’t know why I didn’t tell you. I’m sorry.”

  “Ellie, you don’t need to be sorry for that. It’s okay. I mean if I had known I would’ve tried to do whatever you needed, but I probably would’ve tried too hard and made it awkward or worse.”

  She shakes her head. “No, that’s the thing. You’ve done nothing but make it easier for me. I wanted to die this time last year. If I hadn’t been in Serenity, I would’ve found a way.” She lets out a wry huff. “Hell, I wanted to kill myself three months ago. I had lost every ounce of hope I had, and I couldn’t find joy in anything. Every day was just about surviving from one breath to the next. Now it’s different. It was a hard week, but I never once thought about dying except that I was grateful I never went through with it. Because I have you now.” Her eyes turn huge and glassy as she reaches up and traces her fingers over my face. “You changed everything for me.”

  I smile a little, taking her hands in mine and kissing her fingertips one by one. “You did the same for me.”

  Her head tilts and she smiles back softly. “I don’t think you really understand how much, though, and I don’t know if I can explain things right, but I’m gonna try, okay?”

  “Okay.”

  “When I first saw you? What I felt – just seeing you smiling at me, hearing your voice? – it was like having a million butterflies on coke inside me,” she laughs softly.

  I squeeze her hips. “I felt it too.”

  Her smile gets a little brighter, but she looks down and starts playing with the drawstrings on my shorts. “I’d never felt that before, that thrilling shock. Not with Josh, not with anyone. It scared me, but I didn’t want it to go away either. I felt alive for those few minutes. Then our day went to hell and you almost died and I was so scared and confused. I fought my feelings for a while because I didn’t think I should feel them. I thought I didn’t deserve to love again, because it would be like cheating on them. I felt so guilty, but I wanted nothing more than to stay by your side. I even tried to stay away and I couldn’t. It took me a couple of weeks but I finally figured I wouldn’t be having feelings for you if I wasn’t ready. It was a lot easier after that.”

  She looks up again, her small smile still there, then takes a deep breath and lets it out. Dropping the strings, she wraps her hands around my forearms, squeezing them before loosening her grip to rub the smooth skin inside my elbows with her thumbs.

  She’s nervous and it’s making me nervous.

  “You said something about not knowing if it was same. It’s not. It’s different with you. For lots of reasons.”

  Fuck. Keep it together, Nik. You gotta keep it together for her.

  “None of those reasons are bad though. You’re not him and I don’t want you to be.” She reaches up with one hand and lays it over my heart. “I love you because you’re you.”

  See, she loves you, that’s all that matters.

  I give her the best smile I can manage at the moment. It’s small, but she takes it and gives me one in return then lays against my chest. My arms instinctively go around her and I gently rub her back, resting my cheek on top of her head.

  Maybe she won’t notice how hard my heart is pounding.

  “I’m not who I was when I married him either. Not by a long shot. I was just a young kid, scared and alone, and desperate for someone to love me. He did. He loved me the best way he knew how and, for the kid I was, it was enough. I did the same for him too. I loved him, I loved him very much. He was my first everything and he was half of our little boy, my baby’s father.”

  Her tears are back, her voice full of pain. It’s killing me, but I stay quiet just holding her to me.

  “He’ll always mean something to me, he’ll have a special place in my heart, but… he’s not…”

  Her small broken cries break my heart. There’s so much in her eyes now. Not just love, but pain and desperation too.

  It’s my fault. I brought him up when I should’ve kept my fucking mouth shut. I pull her to me and rest my forehead against hers. “Shhh, you don’t have to do this right now. It’s okay.”

  “Yes, I do. I need to, for me, and for you,” she whispers.

  I take her face in my hands and kiss her forehead for a long moment then let her go. She wipes her tears away and sits up taller then takes my hands in hers, her eyes locking on mine. Her strength will never fail to amaze me. I pray God will give me some. Because something’s coming, I can feel it, and I’m not sure I’m gonna be able to handle it.

  “I loved him, part of me always will, but…” She grips my hands tighter, taking in a breath and letting it out.

  Here it comes.

  “I love you more.”

  Her words hit me and I’m shocked by the guilt flooding through me. My chest tightens and my throat does too. I feel sick. I thought those words were exactly what I wanted to hear. Somehow, they’re not. I have to stop this, for both our sakes.

  “Ellie, please. Don’t. I don’t have to know.” I pull my hands out of her grasp and rub my face. I can’t look at her.

  She couldn’t have meant them. He was her first everything and the father of her child. She just said it. She can’t possibly love someone she’s only known a few months more than that. Maybe she shouldn’t. He should always be first for her.

  “No.” She grabs my wrists and pulls. I let her. She’s staring me down and I have to look away. “Nik, you got to tell me how you feel about me, now it’s my turn.”

  I hang my head, still not able to face her.

  She pulls me close, letting my forehead rest on her shoulder while she strokes my hair. “You don’t need to feel guilty, Nik. Please don’t, okay? You didn’t steal me from them or take them away from me. All you’ve done is love me when I needed it most. I don’t think he would be anything but grateful towards you. I thought for a long time being alone was what I should be, but I know he never would’ve seen it that way. He wouldn’t want me to be alone. He’d want me to be happy.” She tak
es my face in her hands and makes me look at her. “And you make me happy, Nik. I was happy with Josh, but not like this. I didn’t even know it could be like it is with us. You’ve shown me what love between a man and a woman can really be. That’s part of the reason I’ve been so afraid I’ll lose you, or that you’ll leave. Because I love you beyond reason. The way I loved Josh, the way I still love him, it’s paler in comparison. Maybe it shouldn’t be, I don’t know. I just know it is.”

  I take in a painful breath, my eyes closing. I shouldn’t be happy to know any of this.

  “Nik, look at me. Please.” I take another breath and open my eyes. She doesn’t waste any time continuing. “Everything with you is just more. It is. I know you feel it. I see it in your eyes all the time. They look at me the way I feel looking at you. Like when you walk into the room I get excited even if you’ve only been gone a few minutes. And that hasn’t happened just a few times it happens every time. When I wake up and you’re there beside me either already smiling at me or sound asleep? I feel like I could take on the world. When you touch me it’s ten thousand times that. The things you make me feel…what you can do to my body with yours…I don’t think there’s words to describe it. There’s something between us I never had with him.”

  I sigh, dejected at how torn I am. I know what she’s talking about, because I feel it too, but it doesn’t dampen the guilt. I grab her hips and lift her off of my lap and stand up before she can stop me. I need space to think. I go to the sink and look out the window for a minute.

  She sighs and I hear her plop down in one of the chairs. “Nik, I don’t get it. Do you not want me to love you more than him?”

  I turn around and lean against the counter, crossing my arms and pinching the bridge of my nose. “A big part of me does. I want you to love me every bit as much as I love you. But I love you more than life itself and that’s why I feel like a complete asshole.”

  “Why in the hell would you feel like an asshole for loving me?” she asks, more than a little irritated.

  “No, no, no. Not for loving you. God, I suck at this,” I groan, throwing my head back and scrubbing my face with my hands. I run my fingers roughly through my hair and let out a harsh sigh, before facing her again.

  She looks thoroughly confused and definitely irritated.

  I walk over to her and pull her up out of her chair, and rub her arms trying to ease the sting of my fucked-up-ness. “I’m sorry. I don’t know what it is. I just feel like…like I’m ruining your memories of him or something. Like I’m trying to wipe him out and take his place even though I don’t want to do any of that. I feel like a complete dickhead.”

  Her face softens as she reaches for me again. “Nik, you can’t take his place and I know you’d never try to. He’ll always be there, always be a part of me. Just like Lucas, Aunt Maggie, and everyone else I’ve lost. Just like your parents are still a part of you. I can’t erase them from your heart or your mind. They’ll always be with you, right?”

  “Yeah, I know all of that, I do. I just can’t shake the guilt.” I kiss her head and walk back over to the lean on the counter again. “And I’m not being adopted. We’re talking about you having another husband.”

  She stays where I left her, staring at me a minute, then crosses her arms. “You know I’m pretty familiar with guilt. I know how hard it is to let it go. Maybe you should try some of your own medicine.”

  “What?”

  “How many times did you tell me it wasn’t my fault?” She doesn’t give me time to answer, not that I want to. “It all boils down to one question.”

  I raise my eyebrows.

  “Do you think loving me is wrong?”

  I let out a heavy sigh and drop my head. “No, of course I don’t. I already told you it wasn’t about loving you. Loving you is the best thing I’ve ever done. And I don’t mean I’m a good person for loving you, I mean loving you has made me a better person.”

  She smiles at my frustration, walking over and straddling my out-stretched legs so she can lean on me. We loop our arms around each other’s waists and she looks up, her chin resting on my chest. “You were a good person before I ever got here. If loving me is all you’re guilty of, then you aren’t guilty at all. You haven’t done anything wrong, baby. You’ve done everything right. You brought me back to the land of the living and taught me I could love again and be loved in return. Please don’t ever feel bad for doing any of that.”

  “I don’t, I really don’t. I’m sorry, I guess I’m not making any sense.”

  “Do I deserve to be happy?”

  “What? Of course you do. Why would you ask that? If anyone does, it’s you.”

  “Well, you make me happy. Other than Lucas no one has ever made me as happy as you do. So just let go of whatever this is and be happy with me.”

  “But Ellie, what about this past week? I haven’t seen you have such a hard time in…”

  “It wasn’t guilt I was wrestling with, Nik.”

  “Then what was it?”

  She pulls away and takes my hands, pulling me towards to table. “Let’s sit so your leg doesn’t bother you.”

  I follow her over. She waits for me sit down then settles herself on my lap again and wraps me in a hug. I can’t help but enjoy having her in my arms despite how off-balance I feel. Everything just feels better when she holds me.

  Her hands rub over my bare shoulders, then she kisses my cheek and sits up. “I’m really sorry about this week. I should have talked with you about it. But I promise it wasn’t about guilt; it was me seeing that my future is right in front of me and realizing it’s finally time to let go of the past.” She smiles at me. It’s half sad, half happy. I lace my fingers with hers and gently squeeze them. “They’re gone, they’ve been gone, but I have fought like mad for two years to hang on to them. I don’t understand why they had to die, but I don’t guess we’re meant to understand everything.”

  Her brow wrinkles as her eyes turn away, staring at nothing, but when she looks back they’re once again in focus. “I have to trust that God knows what’s best and stop hanging onto what’s already gone. I can’t do that anymore. It’s not fair to them or me. Or you. They deserve to be left in peace and we deserve to be happy. No amount of self-loathing, begging or pleading is going bring them back. God left me here for a reason. I have to stop questioning it and make the most of what I do have.”

  I could see her strength building with each word she said, and now she looks stronger than I’ve ever seen her, her eyes bright and determined. It settles something in me and lifts a weight from me too.

  A soft smile lightens her beautiful face and she pulls my hands up to her mouth and kisses over my knuckles. “You’re what I have. He’s given me a second chance with you. We were meant to meet and fall in love. I know it and you should too. I mean, think about all the things that brought the two of us here.”

  She gets up off my lap and starts pacing around the kitchen. I let her go since I can tell she isn’t upset. She seems more excited than anything.

  “There were things set in motion before either of us were even born. Like this house. It was handed down through Josh’s family for generations. Now it’s mine. I could’ve sold it and never set foot in it again,” she stops and looks at me, eyebrows raised “but I didn’t.” She starts another lap, her hands flying. “And what about the fact that your parents chose to live in Savannah instead of where they grew up. Or that you chose to stay and not move off. It’s crazy enough that both of us came to be in this town, but it’s nothing less than divine intervention that put us in that Starbucks at the same time that morning. I’d been here a week, locked in this house, but for some reason I decided I needed to get out that morning. Then I decided I needed coffee. Then I choose to go inside instead of through the drive thru.”

  She comes to a stop in front of me, one hand on a cocked hip the other pointing a finger right at me.

  I bite my lip so I don’t laugh.

  “Not a minute
later you walked in. You could’ve gone through the drive thru and we never would’ve met. But you didn’t!” she nearly yells.

  “You’re right,” I say, smiling at her enthusiasm.

  “Damn right, I’m right. So, you can’t tell me I’m not supposed to be in this kitchen with you right now. And you don’t get tell me I shouldn’t love you as much as I do, either. I can love you as much as I damn well please and you’re gonna like it, mister.”

  I lose it then, not able to hold my laughter back. Thankfully she finds herself just as funny as I do. I pull her back into my lap and we laugh together until all the tension has washed away.

  Once we calm a bit she gives me a stern look. “I meant it, Nik. You don’t get to decide that I love you too much and you aren’t gonna feel guilty for it either, you got me?”

  I pull her into a tight hug. “I got you, Bird.”

  “Good. I’m glad we got all that settled. I feel much better, don’t you?” she asks sitting up and running her hands over my shoulders and down my chest.

  I’m so glad she’s as touchy-feely as I am.

  “I do feel better. But I swear when we started this conversation it was me comforting you.”

  She smirks and shrugs her shoulders. “We comforted each other. That’s what we’re supposed to do. I think we’re pretty good at this relationship thing.”

  I chuckle. “I guess we are.”

  “Yep, we are. And that means once we’re married we’ll be ahead of the game.”

  My heart skips a beat and my eyebrows hit the ceiling.

  She smiles softly and leans over and kisses me for a long moment before looking at me again. “I’m ready. Just make it a surprise, okay? I like surprises.”

  I grab her face with both hands and kiss her until we’re both breathless and have to pull away for air. “What are we talking about?”

  “Exactly,” she laughs.

  I smile back. “I love you, Bird. So damn much.”

  “And I love you,” she says, giving me another kiss before hugging me. “There is something I need to do before you pop the question though.”