Heal Me (Magnolia Series Book 2) Page 10

  I bite my lip hard and give him an awkward nod-shake, then reach my hand around the back of his head and pull him down so his face is in my neck again. I’ll never be able to hold the tears back if I can see his beautiful face.

  I press my hips up into him to encourage him to move. He does, slow and deep. When I start squeezing him with every outward stroke he makes, he speeds up at little, his moans growing louder with each one.

  A deep shudder runs through me when I feel him swell inside my walls, then he’s shuddering while his hips jerk over and over, groaning deeply. Feeling him cum inside of me is almost better than cumming myself.

  I run my hands up and down his back as he goes limp on top of me. He’s heavy as hell, but I could care less. I wait for his breathing to calm down, fully expecting him to fall asleep on me, but instead it becomes more erratic. He suddenly pulls out of me, scoots down my body until his head is on my chest, then rolls us to our sides, holding me tight.

  “Nik, are you okay?” I ask, the sudden change scaring me a bit.

  He squeezes me tighter and whispers against my breast, “Yeah.”

  He doesn’t sound okay, but I give him some time, hoping he’ll talk to me. I don’t want to push him, so I hold him close and play with his hair instead.

  It’s a good five minutes later when he whispers, “How do you do it, El?”

  “Do what, baby?”

  He’s silent for so long I wonder if he’s forgotten what he asked me, then he growls, “I’m so fucking angry,” throwing himself onto his back. “I’m furious and I’m… I’m…” He moves again, this time sitting up on the side of the bed, leaning his elbows on his knees, his head in his hands.

  I probably shouldn’t but I sit up behind him and run my hands over his back and place a few kisses over his spine.

  “My stomach is in fucking knots,” he sighs. “I keep seeing that fucker pointing that gun towards you and I want to kill him, Ellie. I want to go over to that prison, scare them both so bad they shit their pants, and then I want to kill them. Slowly.”

  His voice became darker with each word he said. He meant all of them.

  I’ve been there. I wanted the man that hit Josh’s truck to die a thousand deaths. There were many times I thought of finding him, of putting a gun to his head and then I would put it to mine. I figured we were both to blame for them leaving this world, so we had no right to stay in it either. Thankfully I never made it past my front door.

  “I know. I know exactly how you feel,” I whisper while wrapping my arms around him.

  He puts one of his arms over mine. “Fuck, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t be whining. What I’ve been through is nothing compared—”

  “No, Nik,” I cut him off. “Don’t do that. What I went through doesn’t make yours any less horrible. You can’t compare them that way. Those bastards took something from you. You have every right to be furious, every right to feel whatever it is you’re feeling. Don’t make less of it because of my past. Be angry, be sad, be afraid, feel whatever you need to, it’s okay.”

  He doesn’t say anything right away, but takes my hand in his and presses it to his lips, leaving it there for awhile. “I’m angry, but not because they shot me, well, I am, but that’s not the worst. The worst part…and it’s completely irrational, because you’re right here holding me, but I can’t stop myself from being terrified that they’re gonna take you,” he says, his voice full of pain. “That’s why I got sick before. I had a nightmare. It was that day all over again, but a thousand times worse.”

  TEAR IN MY HEART

  ~

  Nik

  “You wanna tell me about it?” she whispers, her hand running down the back of my head, her chin resting on my shoulder as she looks at me. I’m quiet for several minutes so she rubs my back and kisses my shoulder. “You don’t have to if you don’t want to. It’s okay.”

  I turn towards her and kiss her fingers one more time before letting her go. “Can we lay down?”

  “Sure,” she answers, stretching out behind me.

  I wrap myself over her and take several slow, deep breaths trying to calm my stomach. It’s threatening to climb up my throat again.

  I hate this. I feel like such a fucking weakling. First those fuckers did in my body and now they have my mind. I let go of the sheet clinched in my fist and flex my fingers trying to relax at least one part of my body. I keep going from panic to fury and back again.

  “Sweetie, you don’t have to tell me, we can talk about something else.”

  She must feel all the tension in me.

  “Maybe if I tell you, it’ll make it stop?” I ask after a few seconds.

  “It might. It helps me to talk to Vicky,” she whispers back.

  I squeeze my eyes shut and hold her a little tighter, then let it spill out. “They tried to take you so I fought them. Of course, they shot me. I couldn’t get up. You were screaming for me and there was nothing I could do. I had to lay there and watch them drag you out the door. You were so mad. You were kicking and screaming. You hit one of them, slapped him across the face…he held the gun up…”

  I can’t say the rest, but it doesn’t stop me from seeing her angry face just before he puts the gun to her head and pulls the trigger. She hangs there for several torturous seconds, blood pouring down from the hole in her forehead, eyes vacant. Then she drops. Dead weight onto unforgiving pavement. It never happened, but I can hear it. The sickening thuds and slaps as she hit. There was so much blood. I shake my head as if it’s an etch-a-sketch hoping to erase the mental image of hers busted open like a watermelon, the insides spilling out.

  My heart is pounding in my ears. Cold sweat breaks out over my back and neck, my stomach heaving. I can’t breathe.

  “Nik. Nik, look at me.” She’s shaking me, trying to push me off. I roll off her onto my back, then she’s hovering above me a second later her hands cupping my face. “I’m right here, Nik. You saved me. I didn’t get hurt, you didn’t let them hurt me or take me. You stopped them. It was just a dream, baby.” She takes one of my hands in hers and presses my palm over her chest. “I want you to breathe with me, okay? Feel it? Nice and slow. Make yours like mine. Watch my eyes and breathe with me.”

  It takes some effort, but I finally get my breathing in sync with hers. After several minutes of her gently coaching me, the panic finally passes. I pull her down on top of me and hold her tight, rubbing my hands all over her so I know she’s here and safe.

  “Thank you,” I croak into her hair.

  She squeezes me and kisses my chest a few times. “I’m glad I can help, but I’m so sorry,” she whispers.

  “I don’t know what’s wrong with me. Why can’t I stop thinking about what could’ve happened? Why the hell do our brains go there?” I ask once I know I can keep my voice steady.

  “I don’t know, baby. I wish like hell they didn’t though.”

  “I mean, I might have died and never got to know you. I wouldn’t have gotten to fall in love with you. I would’ve died never knowing what this felt like. Or if you had...God, I can’t stand that thought. Knowing I would’ve felt terrible, horrible that you died, but I would’ve gotten over it and moved on, never knowing who you really were, what you could’ve been to me. They almost took away the best thing that ever happened to me. And what’s worse! You would’ve died alone, thinking you had no one, that nobody loved you. That! That right there! That fucking tears my heart out. I can’t stand it! Just a few slight differences and…” I swallow down the bile rising in my throat. “It makes me feel fucking sick and so fucking angry!”

  “Hey, hey, hey,” she tries to soothe me, scooting up the bed and propping her head on one hand, rubbing my chest with the other. “Look at me.”

  I move my eyes to hers. There isn’t an ounce of pity in them as they look down at me. She’s so incredible.

  “I know what you’re feeling. The anger and the fear. They’re normal, sweetie. It’s okay to feel them. You need to feel them to get past th
em. But all those ‘what ifs’? They’ll bring you nothing but pain. I know it’s next to impossible to stop right now, I know it is, but you have to try to keep yourself from going there. It’ll eat you alive, Nik. It nearly did me. I had a thousand ‘what ifs’ haunting me night and day. Sometimes I still do. They can be like a broken record, just over and over on a constant loop. It’s torture. You have to push them away when you feel them coming. Every time they try to take over, the second they pop into your mind, think of the good that came out of it instead. We survived, and we did fall in love, and we’re both happier than we’ve been in a long time, right?”

  “Yeah, we are.”

  “Have you thought that perhaps you’re feeling all of this because you love me? It makes perfect sense to be this upset when someone you love could’ve died. That’s a plus, right? Something to help you know I’m here and I’m okay. You couldn’t love me if I wasn’t.”

  “You’re right and I know all of it here,” I say, putting her hand over my heart.

  “But it’s up here that won’t leave you alone,” she finishes for me, tapping her finger on my forehead.

  “Yeah.”

  “It’ll get better. I promise it will. It may take some time, but it will get better. And you know I’ll help you anyway I can.”

  “I know you will,” I answer, pulling her palm up to my lips and kissing it. “And thank you, I don’t know what I’d do without you.”

  She smiles softly and gives me a kiss. “You don’t have to thank me and I don’t plan on you ever finding out, okay?”

  “Okay. I’m sorry I’ve gone off the deep end today. Maybe you can just stay within eyesight? I might not have this crazy need to have you in my arms twenty-four seven if you do. If not, I’m just gonna take us to a deserted island so I know you’re safe. What do ya think about that, Bird? Wanna get lost with me?” I ask, trying to laugh off my nerves.

  I’ve taken to shorting my nickname for her the last week or so since she’s no longer so skittish. She’s so tiny and beautiful, Bird fits her just as well.

  “Sure. Say the word and I’ll get us packed.”

  She’s serious.

  “You mean that, don’t you?” She nods and hums. “You’d just pack up and take off with me?”

  She smirks and shakes her head. “Silly man, of course I would. You have to know you’re the reason I’m still in Savannah. I wouldn’t be here if you weren’t. Nothing else is holding me here or in Tennessee for that matter. Anna and Brandon don’t need me. I love you, so if taking off on a long vacation is what you need, I’m all for it. We can get Tristan to show us your PT exercises and I’m sure Dr. T. would give us copies of all your records and suggest other doctors we could use just about anywhere. You can’t go back to work till the fall anyway, so we’ve got months free.”

  “What about the trial?”

  “Fuck it. Hiram is handling Peacock Peterson for us, he can handle Hardwick too. He doesn’t need us to convict them. That damn video is more than enough.”

  “God, I love you. Do you have any idea how much?” I whisper, reaching up and running my fingers into her hair and pulling her sweet face down to mine for a kiss.

  “Probably this much?” she scrunches her face up, holding her finger and thumb about an inch apart.

  “Times a million maybe.” I laugh for the first time all day, kissing her again.

  “Well, I love you more,” she says after I let her have her lips back.

  “No way.”

  We just stare at each other for a few minutes. Her eyes slowly go from loving and happy to hesitant, making me nervous.

  “What is it?”

  “Would you do something for me?”

  “Anything.”

  “Think about talking to Vicky.”

  I know Vicky is huge in helping her, so why do I feel so averse to the idea?

  “It breaks my heart, Bird, but I don’t think anyone could help me better than you. Can’t we just talk?”

  “Absolutely, and I want you to talk to me – anytime, anywhere, about anything – but I’m not a doctor, sweetie. She is. She has tons more experience than me. And yes, I’m doing much better, but I’m not one hundred percent. There are parts of me still broken.”

  I scowl at her. “Bird, you are not broken. We’ve talked about this. You’re stronger than anyone I know.”

  “Thank you, sweetie,” she says, kissing me again. “But I’m still not a doctor. I really think it would help if you talked to her.”

  I sigh. “Can we do it over the phone? I really don’t want to go to Atlanta and stay.”

  Fuck, I sound like a whiny two-year-old.

  “I’m sure she wouldn’t have a problem with it at all. She’s as much my friend as my doctor, she may even come out here to us.”

  I take a deep breath and let it go, I still feel shaky and wrung out. “Okay, I’ll talk to her for you.

  Now she’s scowling. “No. For you, not for me. It has to be your choice or it won’t help you. I’m not trying to push you, sweetie. You don’t have to talk to her now, or tomorrow, or even next week. I just want you to know you have the option.”

  “All right, I’ll think about it, I promise,” I assure her, pulling her back down onto my chest and holding her.

  “Thank you,” she whispers, kissing my chest and rubbing my side.

  I try to do like she said and think about everything good that’s happened since that fucked up day. There hasn’t been a lot, but what there has been is huge. My whole life has changed in such a short time. The things that were important before pale in comparison to what she means to me.

  I was joking, but I very well may take her up on going away for awhile. Some peace and quiet would be really nice for us. We haven’t had much of either. We could go anywhere we wanted since we’ve got plenty of money between us. I’ll talk to Leia and see what she thinks. I want to give Ellie a prom night and I’ll need Leia’s help, so if she has time now we’ll do that first. If not, we’ll hop on the next plane out of town.

  Ellie’s giggles bring me out of my thoughts. “What’s so funny?”

  “Your stomach is pitching a fit for some food. Can’t you feel it?” she asks, kissing it then sitting up.

  I hadn’t even noticed I was so deep in thought, but now that she mentions it, I am kind of hungry. But fuck, she’s sitting there naked and gorgeous with her sexy bed head and a beautiful smile just for me. I don’t think she’ll ever not turn me on.

  I hope that day never comes.

  “Maybe I’m hungry for something else,” I tell her, reaching to pull her back down.

  “Ah, ah, ahhhh. My lady bits need a break and you need food,” she laughs, evading my grasp. “Time for some break-sup.”

  “Are you okay?” I’d hate to know I hurt her.

  “I’m fine, honey. Just a tiny bit sore. I’ll be good by tomorrow.” She winks. “Don’t you worry.”

  “Oh. Good. Now, uh, what the hell is a ‘break-sup’?”

  “You know, breakfast for supper? Breakfast, supper…break-sup?” she mumbles through the cotton of my T-shirt while she pulls it over her naked body.

  Fuck me, my balls are already aching.

  “You coming, or do you want break-sup in bed?” she asks, smiling at me through the dresser mirror as she’s twisting her hair up on her head. Her perfect little ass is peeking at me from under my shirt.

  “Bird, you are fucking killing me. We’ll be cumming in this bed again if you don’t get outta here,” I groan.

  She turns and sways her way back over to me. “If you’re a good boy and clean your plate, I’ll give you a treat later,” she purrs, licking her soft, pink lips within inches of mine.

  I growl, reaching for her, but she runs away squealing down the hall.

  “You’re gonna pay for that, woman!” I holler after her.

  I can hear her laughing in the kitchen, not the least bit afraid of me.

  God, I love her.

  ~

  “Nik!
Leia’s here,” Ellie yells from the kitchen.

  Right on schedule. Her schedule anyway. She was supposed to be here two hours ago.

  Roxie scrambles off my lap and starts bouncing around like a pogo stick as I lug myself out of the recliner.

  Damn, I’m stiff. I’m so ready to have my body back.

  I’ve been in that chair or in the bed basically all day except for prying Bird from the kitchen when I needed a distraction. I’m still reeling from Thursday. My insides feel raw and ragged. I hate myself for using her that way. We make love sometimes three times a day though, so maybe that keeps it from being too bad. She gets it and seems very willing to help me anyway she can, whether it’s to do with sex or not. Last night after “break-sup,” she treated me to one of her mind-altering blowjobs again. Said it would knock me out. She was right.

  Fuck me, it makes my dick tingle just thinking about it.

  I still feel like an asshole though.

  “Come on, girl. Let’s go see Leia,” I tell Rox, who takes that as her cue to bolt out the door.

  Ellie’s left it open for us and I can hear her and Leia talking and Roxie barking happily.

  When I make it out onto the porch Leia is begging me with her eyes to save her from Ellie’s enthusiastic hug. I lean against the railing and give her a big smile and a wave. She shoots me the bird.

  Damn, I missed her.

  Ellie finally lets her go. I don’t miss her wiping her eyes or the way knowing it makes my chest tight. “Go tell him hey, Leia. I’ll get your stuff. And Nikolas Jensen, don’t you dare come down those steps,” she scolds me not even glancing my way. I’m convinced she has eyes in the back of her head.

  Sis comes slowly up the stairs, looking me up and down. When her eyes meet mine, she snarls. “She’s gotten bossy.”

  “I heard that!” Ellie calls, her sexy ass in the air as she bends to dig Leia’s bags out of the back seat.

  I laugh, pulling Leia into a hug. “She has and she has excellent hearing too.”

  “Hey, big brother,” she mutters patting my back.